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April 03 who was loving to suffer in the brutal reality?who was born in a house full of pain who was trained not to spit in the fan who was told what to do by the man who was broken by trained personnel who was fitted with collar and chain who was given a pat on the back who was breaking away from the pack who was only a stranger at home who was ground down in the end who was found dead on the phone who was dragged down by the stone To someone who knows those words above March 31 Who by fire --Leonard CohenAnd who by fire, who by water Who in the sunshine, who in the night time Who by high ordeal, who by common trial Who in your merry merry month of May Who by very slow decay And who shall I say is calling And who in her lonely slip, who by barbiturate Who in these realms of love, who by something blunt Who by avalanche, who by powder Who for his greed, who for his hunger And who shall I say is calling And who by brave assent, who by accident Who in solitude, who in this mirror Who by his lady's command, who by his own hand Who in the mortal chains who in power And who shall say is calling December 06 芬特那个psychophysics toolbox跟windows都不怎么compatiable,我run一次matlab就crash一次,然后花5分钟用任务管理器关掉窗口,结果还看不到error在哪里,有这样调程序的吗 ?郁闷 November 30 要回家了阴雨蒙蒙的天气,整个人从里到外都是湿乎乎的。我决定不再生天气的气了——它是一点同情心都没有的。 不巧今天又是机票打折的最后一天(其实挺巧的,再晚打电话一天就原价了),于是即使得撑着一把筋骨已裂的破伞走在冷风冷雨里,我还是乖乖步行来回共计多于1小时的路程去拿票(步行多好,支持步行,健身又省钱)。 还好身边有一个陪着说话解闷儿的,于是破伞破天气破chinatown,都不那么凄凉了。于是我想,谁在乎灵魂是空虚还是满足啊,谁在乎那些spirit是在shining还是dull and dusty啊, 我只要走路的时候不那么无聊,坏天气的时候心情不那么down就可以小小的满足一下啦。 啊,原来我真的堕落了!堕落就堕落吧,嘿嘿,注意着地时头朝上就好啦。 订了25号的票,不能在家过年了。爸爸妈妈奶奶也不要挂念的了,回来第一个月,我就呆在家里,哪儿都不去。估计这样还是不能弥补两年半来我的各项重大罪行,比如一次都没回家,比如未出席奶奶和爸爸的生日宴会,比如从来不按时电话,比如总是对着妈妈叫郁闷然后把她搞得闷闷不乐的。 嗯,那就再加上我每天做饭,你们还可以train一下我的厨艺。 我现在做的咚咚都是VOVAlized style的。。。(VOVAlized style is defined as a series of dishes with less probability that a random person will not eat them and a normal person will like them )三个月的时间,要准备完移民的申请资料,要寄出所有学校的申请资料(任务紧急指数0.99),也希望现在这个project能出点咚咚(任务艰巨指数0.99),还要稍微fix一下自己,争取走进家门,不要滚进家门(圆的)(任务完成概率指数0.1。。)!,另外还要顺便教V同学识别各种sauce,用rice cooker做饭,用大锅做菜, 用拖把拖地等等(which is mission impossible)。其实,最重要的,是每天要自己只准想有希望的事情,这是前天莫名其妙痛哭一场后的觉悟: 我要过一种厚颜无耻的生活。 流水账写完了, 最后要说的是,前阵子看到的纪德同学的一段话,抄下来送给小林: “人一旦发现自己的样子,就想保持,总是处心积虑地像自己……比起反复无常来,我更讨厌某种坚定不移的始终如一,更讨厌要忠实于本身的某种意志,以及害怕自相矛盾的心理。” November 28 九问怎样才能拥有伟大无私的心灵呢? 怎样才能成为意志坚强的人呢? 怎样才能获得认识自己的大智慧呢? 怎样才能相遇不离不弃的爱情呢? 怎样才能热爱生活? 怎样才能窥破自由? 怎样才能与猫说话? 怎样才能瞬间挪移? 怎样才能让我的model误差再小一个数量级呢? (PS:training时间不要增加太久) 我如此的害怕人言[里尔克]我如此的害怕人言,
他们把一切全和盘托出: 这个叫做狗,那个叫房屋, 这儿是开瑞,那儿是结束。 我怕人的聪明,人的讥诮, 过去和未来他们一概知道; 没有哪座山再令他们感觉神奇, 他们的花园和田庄紧挨着上帝。 我不断警告、抗拒:请离远些。 我爱听万物的歌唱;可一经 你们触及,它们便了无声息。 你们毁了我一切的一切。 August 03 荒漠甘泉 Aug 3rd
不要求安乐的生活,要求作刚强的大丈夫。不要求与你能力相等的工作,要求与你工作相等的能力。这样,你所行的算不得神迹,你自己却是一个神迹。——白罗克斯(Phillips
Brooks) August 02 黑色黑色管风琴上, 忧郁绝望的灵魂在唱歌。 夜色如水, 隐藏躁动的脉搏。 黑色的天使 狂舞三千飞瀑。 血气在凝结, 欲望在召唤, 一刹巅峰便是归宿。 黑色的沉迷, 我们坠落。 你在死亡惊恐无法企及的高处, 轻吟永恒的诅咒: “于腐朽的黑暗中, 祈求被领入光明, 却不知炽烈的阳光下, 是你们灰飞烟灭的命数。” June 07 Discipline...is Do what has to be done when it has to be done as well as it can be done and do it that way every time. -Bobby Knight sigh 身处一种旷日持久的灾难之中,为了同这灾难拉开一个心理距离,可以有种种办法。乐观者会尽量“朝前看”,把眼光投向雨过天晴的未来,看到灾难的暂时性,从而怀抱一种希望。悲观者会尽量居高临下地“俯视”灾难,把它放在人生虚无的大背景下来看,看破人间祸福的无谓,从而产生一种超脱的心境。倘若我们既非乐观的诗人,亦非悲观的哲人,而只是得过且过的普通人,我们仍然可以甚至必然有意无意地掉头不看眼前的灾难,尽量把注意力放在生活中尚存的别的欢乐上,哪怕是些极琐屑的欢乐,只要我们还活着,这类欢乐是任何灾难都不能把它们彻底消灭掉的。所有这些办法,实质上都是逃避,而逃避常常是必要的。 如果我们骄傲得不肯逃避,或者沉重得不能逃避,怎么办呢? 剩下的唯一办法是忍。 我们终于发现,忍受不可忍受的灾难是人类的命运。接着我们又发现,只要咬牙忍受,世上并无不可忍受的灾难。 againsigh, 觉得学了这么多年生物简直是对我人格的侮辱,已经侮辱到让我自己都不觉得有人格的地步了。再继续就叫自取其辱。。。。。。 在这里就只有不停的抱怨了,今天在lab感到前所未有的愤怒。这是怎么了 March 29 ENDLESSwhen can I get out here......
I'm positive...
life is short,
I still have a lot of stuff I wanna learn other than those crap I am doing.............
could u please not waste any more of my life? March 26 WHO says1. When you are worried about a lot of stuff., relax and then sit down to solve them one by one. One more done, one less undone.
2. It's WORK that give you other people's respect. Be a useful person. Sneakers pay a lot for their laziness , their arrogance, and their most unforgiven crime------time killing.
3. Be responsible. Try to be organized and well-planned. Don't expect too much about yourself. Start from every little thing.
4. Seize everything you have this moment, time, opportunities, friends and lover(s:P)
Sometimes shadows inside me conceal you, but I will wait, wait, wait patiently, for wind to blow away all the clouds, wait, wait, wait patiently, for my mind to get through all the troubles trapping me, wait, wait, wait patiently, for me to finally figure out a way to make my soul control my body. I'll live them.
I love all of you, my family, my sweetie, and all my dear friends! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaCalm down,,,,,
Relax......
And work,,,,,,,,,,,, February 22 回头是岸今天听着Epica, 发现了英文版的“回头是岸”:if I try, can I find solid ground 把try换成turn就perfect了。最近莫名的悲伤,听Chopin都越听越狂躁,翻出好久不听的gothic和doom,小小振奋一把。
February 17 update a little bit最近的关键词是生病。。。
Chinese New Year和V同学和一堆中国人去一家Japanese Restaurant吃sushi。。。
After 春节,严重感冒:(
元宵节basically赶了一天作业,连汤圆都没来得及买:(
又莫名其妙的got bacteria infection,折腾了两周:(
然后基本痊愈,V同学立刻卧病在床,无法自由行动,据说是病毒感染plus allergy,
又担心会交叉感染,情人节我们就相距5米, 两两相望之,真是凄惨。:(
Stupid bacteria, stupid virus and stupid our immunosystems:(
我想我应该生活再健康一些,合适的食物, 充足的睡眠,还有规律的运动,,,目前为止没有任何一个条件符合。。。。。。正确的事情总是更难并且更frustrating, 更变态的是,还要好多self-control:(郁闷
生活看似变得简单,暗涌却越来越混乱。想明白了一些事情,却被更多的困扰所迷惑。花花世界是我的表象,可是我把我的意志又遗失在哪里了呢?
恩,最后祝v同学早日康复!祝自己的self-control与日俱增!
The Ballad of Reading Gaolhttp://www.xs4all.nl/~androom/major/reading.htm
Yet each man kills the thing he loves, January 16 The Hollow ManThose familiar lines always make me sigh.
Between the idea For Thine is the Kingdom Between the conception Life is very long Between the desire For Thine is This is the way the world ends
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